sidebar | life and training 8.5 – 8.11

Okay, who watched Olympic breakdancing? I think that might be my favorite event now.

Perhaps it’s because I watch selectively and certainly don’t get the whole picture, but it seems the Olympics are rife with controversy and combativeness nowadays. I do think a lot of the patriotism has slipped away from the games, and it’s turned more into an individual accomplishment or, when it is a team win, about the humanity rather than representing the country. I don’t really mind that so much, but when fellow country(wo)men start going for the throats of their compadres, it takes a lot of the respect out of the result.

But I gotta say, the breakdancing event was one that just gave me a lot of joy to watch. The athletes seemed incredulous that they were even there and soaked up every second. The playful competitiveness, the one-on-one showdowns, the nod to an urban art form that doesn’t get a lot of respect on the big stage. I dunno, ya’ll. I loved it. And am sad that it’ll probably never show out in the Olympics again.

Perhaps it isn’t truly a “sport,” but the spirit and enjoyment encapsulated what I think is being set to the side in the Olympics. Sure, everyone wants to medal, but there should be an awe and respect from each athlete that they just get to be there in the first place. Perhaps that’s just me speaking as a pedestrian who will never crawl anywhere close to that stage, but I dunno, no matter how talented someone is, humbleness should walk alongside.

Anywho, that’s that. We experienced our first tropical system on Monday: Debby. She wasn’t terribly strong but the wind and rain were quite surprising. The area got rather soaked and we had some big road closures, but it wasn’t totally awful. Monday the fire alarm in the building across me went off twice, once at 4 am and the second time for nearly an hour at 7am. Insane. I will say, the dreariness was rather cozy. And I saw this funny little car decal while out grocery shopping.

This week otherwise was insanely packed for me. I hate how lately I’ve felt so motivated to do something nice on Sundays, and then something or other happens and all I want to do is plop on my couch and zone out in the evenings. I feel like my brain is zapped, my heart is tired, and I’m losing the connectivity from mind to mouth and I’m saying and doing things that aren’t quite in character. I’ve been shutting some people out, going inward, and feeling remarkably alone. Some of that is self-imposed, some of that is merely because I don’t think a lot of folks really understand the delicacy of one scenario I’m finding myself in. Not that I don’t want to be involved there – but it is hard to accept help when the help hasn’t been in that situation before.

Monday and Tuesday were typical, support group and therapy and ice cream after the latter. I will say, if anyone has the inclination to start therapy, do it. I look forward to my sessions every week, if not just to circumnavigate through whatever emotions or occurrences are strongest and talking myself off the ledge with the help of someone who’s not necessarily emotionally invested in my life. Been very cathartic over the last almost month.

Thursday I started up on my FTCE studying with an hour at Oxford Exchange. It was so nice to be learning again! I grabbed a soy cappuccino, a huge chocolate chip muffin, and Little Miss Ba for company. Spread out all my cute school supplies (I bought many, for really no reason other than I wanted to) and worked on a couple chapters. OE is one of my happy places, and the wide counter space right by the bar is perfect for splaying out and getting work done.

Friday I drove out to Lakeland to pick up my bib for Saturday’s Watermelon 5K and made my spaghetti and Gardein meatballs again – power food! Saturday was race day! I wrote a bit about it in my Week in Training segment below, but the race went much better than it had any business to. The weather was abhorrent and the race field was actually pretty large – I think 1,400 runners total. I’ve run one of the series prior in June 2022, and I destroyed my previous pace this time around. I moseyed around the finisher area, ate some watermelon, and bought a luscious pair of brioche donuts from Publix to celebrate. These things were massive and delicious and well worth the $6 I paid.

I sort of unintentionally spent most of Saturday hanging out with my friend’s mom. We’d planned to get together since I had to drop off some stuff for her, and I wound up cooking dinner (and setting off their smoke detector. Which was rather unnecessary). Blackened salmon, Caesar salad, and her other son prepped some lobster tails that turned out totally rad. I really feel for her; she clearly needed someone to talk to about many, many things, and I was glad to be that ear even if I didn’t always know what to say. It’s a strange dichotomy: being so immersed yet also so far away. My sister just phrased it as a “weird spot to be in” and I couldn’t agree more. I left with a lot of swirling sentiments that even now I can’t even name, from a sense of eeriness, to comfort, and somewhere between hopelessness and hope. I think that’s just the reality of the present, living in between the scales of the two, teetering between them on occasion depending on which emotion is heavier.

Then I came home and stress ate. That happens sometimes, fellas. Don’t beat yourself up over it. But, I did have a couple random good eats and the photos of them are below. Salmon tacos and Field Roast chipotle “sausage” tacos. Yum.

Sunday was tough. I felt wrong all day, and my mouth just wasn’t functioning; brain to tongue coordination was way off and, as a result, I freaked myself out all day with “what-ifs.” I did not act gracefully and pretty much shut down all afternoon. I drove out to visit my mom, which always makes me feel better, with a short hiatus to take a phone call from my friend’s mom with a big update after she got to see my friend. Those words put me in an even more distraught state. I’m worried, deflated, and distracted, but I did receive a tendril of good news that I hope becomes a positive snippet in both of our weeks.

I’m tired, guys. So tired. Actually, that’s not even the correct term: I’m burnt out, utterly. I truly don’t know what to do about it either, I don’t think a break is in sight until October. I guess all there is to do now is put my head down and do what I gotta do, even if all I can give is the minimum, and show up for the people who need me. And myself. Racing has given me a reprieve since I’m finding my love for the exertion again, and I’m totally grateful for that.

Grateful for you, too, for standing by and letting me speak and share. Pain is part of living, and we’ve all felt it one way or another; right now, it’s just omniscient and on occasion unrelenting. It doesn’t need to be permanent, though, and somewhere in there I know it won’t be, but damn, man, I wish I could see where its end might lie.

Until then: minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

The Fuck We Cooking This Week?

…A decadent cookie layer cake!

…A summery salmon dish.

A Few Things I’m Digging

“Chicken” burger…I bought these Morningstar Farms “chicken” burgers for a sandwich I meal prepped. They are great. Super crispy, accurately seasoned, absolutely stellar in a Caesar salad.

Muffins…Publix’s giant chocolate chip muffins stole my heart when I grocery shopped this week. Total impulse buy, totally worth it. They’re so damn soft and boast about 1000 mini chocolate chippies on top.

Studying!…I miss learning. Going to coffee shops and studying for my FTCE exam is giving me a lot of purpose right now, and I really love organizing notes and flash cards and all that shit. Gonna be something I look forward to every week.

Shops & Wish List

Amazon cart…Put in a couple of new journals: can’t decide between the watercolor and peony patterns. These candles are perfect for a little project I’m starting this week. Considering this bathroom countertop storage shelf to organize my shit.

Skincare & Wellness

Tree Hut…I’m due for a new body wash so I hope the Pumpkin Pop gel launches in stores soon! Even though I know it’s only mid August…

Week in Training

Monday, 8.5: 7 miles, 10:43 pace + 17 minute strength

Wacky start to the morning. Debby still has a grip on the state so it was very blustery and unpredictable outside. Headed to the gym for a treadmill run but got slightly delayed by the blaring fire alarm – it went off twice that morning. Run didn’t feel awesome, I was tired and sluggish and weirdly hungry, but got it done.

Strength:

• 3 x 10 ea. leg press 90#
• 3 x 10 sumo squat 60#
• 2 x 10 ea. single leg pistol squat
• 2 x 10 stir the pot SS panda
• Core work

Tuesday, 8.6: 5.61 miles, 10:43 pace

Ran quicker than I figured I would, but holy crap was this miserable. 84 degrees at 4am, likely because Debby threw all her moisture and heat back to make the conditions unbearable. Also just kind of didn’t feel great anyway – I hope I’m not getting sick.

Wednesday, 8.7: 4 miles, 10:19 pace + 15 minute lift

Somehow I felt far better today even after a fairly crap night of sleep and another 85 degree morning. 3 miles easy, then 4 x 200: 56, 57, 57, and 55. 1 minute rest in between. No real time goal but just wanted to get the legs spinning a little before my 5K Saturday!

Strength:

• 3 x 10 front squat 50#
• 3 x 12 shoulder press, bar only
• 3 x 10 ea. bent row 35#
• 3 x 10 diamond pushup

Thursday, 8.8: 5.58 miles, 10:46 pace

85 degrees again – I always forget (or at least, go into denial about) how awful August is here. Vaguely tolerable when I hit the breeze, but that wasn’t constant.

Friday, 8.9: 3.25 miles, 10:47 pace

A bit less of a breeze this morning, and I felt like I had a hard time recovering from the heat all day. My house didn’t get any cooler than 74 overnight and sleeping was ROUGH; I kept waking up, tossing and turning, and when my alarm went off I was sweating much more than is ok.

Saturday, 8.10 WATERMELON 5K: 3.1 miles, 8:01 pace

10 seconds faster than 2 weeks ago! Total time was 24:54. 80 degrees, 79 dew point. 99% humidity at the 7 am start. This run was straight brutality; I thought I was gonna blow up by mile 2.5 but somehow found my next ear and finished the last .1 miles at a 6:36 pace. Crazy. Shout out to my new running shoes, watermelon hairclip, and all-pink attire for getting me through this heat shitparade. 4th in my age group AGAIN. So excited to see some progress despite my kinda minimal speed training. Also ran a 1 mile warmup and cooldown to total 5 miles for the day.

Sunday, 8.11: 5 mile walk (1:17:50)

Total running mileage: 30.5